LOVE.

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Monday, February 9, 2009

3:09 PM

again, a ridiculous post. maybe after a few days as i look back i'll realise how stupid i am. and delete all these posts. but right now i need some comfort which i feel only blogging will give. or that i will feel relieved, albeit a little, just by blogging and thrashing things out here. i dont know if he'll read this or not, or if he will even bother after reading this. afterall i think im the only one thinking about all this and being paranoid. but i seriously cant help it. if i could choose how i can be, i would choose to be able not to think about all this and lead a happy life with you and like you. but just that im a girl, im troublesome, that's why im thinking about all this.

why is it that you dont talk to me unless i talk to you? i know this is stupid. because you would talk to me if you wanted to. but when you dont talk to me on your own initiative, it gives me the feeling that you dont care anymore. not that i dont understand how you feel. but it's precisely because you never told me why, that's why i cant be understanding about it.

why is it that you always eh me when we're out with the others? i know it's another stupid question. but dont you ever realise that you only call me darling when you need me? when you need me to do things for you? and the other times you just go by 'eh' and 'melo'. do you know how i feel? it's like, my boyfriend only whines to me when im needed to help him do something. and other times i get pushed away or distanced by him addressing me as 'eh' simply cos he doesnt need me to do things for him. or that he doesnt want sth from me. again. it's not me not being understanding, or that i cant accept you for who you are. it's just a matter of principles. and the way you treat me. i am not your servant. i am your girlfriend you know.

sometimes i feel like im the only one giving it my best in the relationship. even though you said you'd work hard, i never really saw anything. except when i was sick. how sad. i only get to feel the love when im sick. if that's so i'd rather be sick for all eternity. i dont need big things or material items to make me happy. small things like what you put my name as in your phonebook can show me how you are taking all this. to you i might just be 'melo cosplay' and nothing more right? but to me you are my dearest with a smiley face. because everytime my phone rings and i see a message from you, even if it's just one word, it makes me happy. but to you, i dont know. because what i see is nth more than an address for a common friend. i know you dont like to message. but it hurts me when i dont hear a single word from you for a whole damn day. not even a hello, or okay. you could call. but you dont. you just wait for me to talk to you.

i know all these are small small problems which i shouldnt even be thinking about. but if i dont get it off my chest it's going to be there forever. as to why im not telling you this directly because im doing things like how you always do, the indirect approach. i know i should be understanding about all these and accept you for who you are. but i just really wanted to hear the answers. if you have the answers please tell me? so that i can improve myself to be a better girlfriend to you? so that i know what you feel? so that i can be understanding about them? i really... just needed you to know how i've been feeling. because these things often hurt me so much that i could cry a river.